They asked you to officiate.
Here's every word you'll say.

WELCOME [Let the room settle. Find Maya and Jordan's eyes. Smile like you know something the guests don't — because you do.] Before anything else, I need everyone to appreciate that we are only here because of a zucchini. [Pause. Let it land.] Good afternoon. I'm Dana. Eleven years ago Maya walked into my kitchen holding a laminated rebuttal — laminated, because she wanted it to survive weather — about a garden dispute with a man she had never met. She slapped it on my counter and said, "I'm going to marry that infuriating man." I want the record to show that nobody in this story was surprised except Jordan. Please, sit back. You're about to hear how a property-line violation became a marriage. OPENING WORDS Here's what happened, for the three of you who somehow haven't heard it. A zucchini plant in a community garden crossed from plot 14 into plot 15. Jordan, plot 15, left a note. A polite note, he claims. Maya, plot 14, answered with a formal rebuttal and — this is the part I love — a zucchini loaf. Baked from the offending vegetable. As evidence, or as a peace offering, depending on which of them tells it. They have been arguing happily ever since. About maps. About whether a taco truck can lose points for "insufficient napkin confidence" — yes, they keep a spreadsheet, yes, it has fourteen criteria, no, they have never once agreed on the winner. [Turn to the couple.] Maya — you take every ridiculous thing this man cares about and treat it like it matters. Because to him, it does. Jordan — the winter Maya lost her job, you got up at five in the morning, every morning, for a month, and drove her across the city to interviews. With a different pep-talk playlist every day. She kept every playlist. She thinks you don't know that. [Back to the guests.] That's the thing about these two. The joke is never just a joke. The spreadsheet is a love letter. The zucchini loaf was a love letter. Everything they've handed each other for eleven years has been a love letter wearing a disguise. DECLARATION OF INTENT [Have them face each other.] Jordan — did you come here today, in front of everyone you love, to marry the woman who out-argued you in writing? If so, say "I did the math, and yes." Jordan: "I did the math, and yes." Maya — did you come here today to marry the man who kept the note that started it all in his wallet? If so, say "Objection withdrawn." Maya: "Objection withdrawn." VOWS [To the guests:] They've written their own vows. I've read neither. Pray for us all. [Cue Maya first, then Jordan. Hold the mic steady. If someone cries, wait. It will be Jordan.] RING EXCHANGE [Cue Marcus, who presents the rings — carried down the aisle, as tradition absolutely does not demand, by Waffles the cat. Whatever happens here, roll with it. He's a cat. This was a choice.] Jordan, place the ring on Maya's finger and repeat after me: With this ring — I mark the boundary — of the only plot — I'll ever need. Maya, place the ring on Jordan's finger and repeat after me: With this ring — I withdraw all complaints — filed and future — signed and sealed. PRONOUNCEMENT Eleven years ago these two started a fight neither of them ever wanted to win. So it is my genuine honor — by the power vested in me, and witnessed by every person they love and one extremely tolerant cat — to declare the dispute settled at last. I now pronounce you married. Jordan — kiss the gardener. THE KISS [Step back. Get out of the photo. Let it be theirs.] PRESENTATION Friends, family, taco scholars — for the first time anywhere, I present to you: Maya and Jordan. The garden is officially shared. [Cue music. Off you go.]

WELCOME [Stand still until the sanctuary quiets. Let the silence do the first minute's work. Then, gently:] There is a spot about ten feet behind me, second row of the choir loft, where a young man once stood and pretended — for three full weeks — that he could sing tenor. Good afternoon. My name is Raymond. Samuel is my nephew, and I have known him since before he could walk, which gives me the authority to tell you: he cannot sing tenor. He never could. The choir director of this very church knew it by the second Sunday. Ruth — standing beside him in the alto section, kind enough not to say a word — knew it by the first. He kept coming anyway. Not for the music. For her. Welcome to this house, and to the wedding of Ruth and Samuel. OPENING WORDS We are gathered in the same sanctuary where their story began — not by candlelight, but under these ordinary lights, in the ordinary faithfulness of two people who kept showing up. That is worth naming, because that is who they are. Ruth and Samuel do not love loudly. They love steadily. When Samuel was deployed overseas, they wrote letters. By hand. Every week, for fourteen months, and neither of them ever missed one. Sixty-one letters each way. Some of you sent a text this morning you've already forgotten; these two built a year of their love out of paper and patience. And when they are home, their table is never just theirs. If you have nowhere to be on a Sunday, you have somewhere to be — that is simply what their kitchen is for. Every morning, together or apart, they read the same devotional over coffee, even when apart means a phone pressed to an ear across an ocean. [Turn to the couple.] Ruth — you say Samuel has never once raised his voice in four years. Samuel — you say Ruth sings while she cooks and pretends she doesn't. You are both right, and you are both keeping each other's secrets, and that is as good a definition of marriage as I know. REMEMBRANCE [Move to the remembrance candle. Slow everything down here.] Before these two make their promises, we pause. There is a light burning today for Miriam — Ruth's mother — who taught her daughter the very steadiness we are here to celebrate. We do not light it because she is absent. We light it because she is present in everything Ruth is. [A moment of silence. Count to ten before you continue.] DECLARATION OF INTENT Samuel, will you have Ruth to be your wife — to love her, honor her, and keep her, in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, so long as you both shall live? If so, answer: I will. Samuel: I will. Ruth, will you have Samuel to be your husband — to love him, honor him, and keep him, in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, so long as you both shall live? If so, answer: I will. Ruth: I will. VOWS Ruth and Samuel, face each other and join hands. Samuel, repeat after me: I, Samuel, take you, Ruth — to have and to hold — from this day forward. I will write to you — in every season — and I will never miss a week. What God joins today — I will keep — all the days of my life. Ruth, repeat after me: I, Ruth, take you, Samuel — to have and to hold — from this day forward. I will stand beside you — in every song — whether or not you find the note. What God joins today — I will keep — all the days of my life. RING EXCHANGE [David presents the rings.] These rings begin today as bright and unmarked as this moment. They will not stay that way. They will pick up the scratches of dishes done and gardens dug and years survived — and like everything these two touch, they will be more beautiful for the wear. Samuel, place the ring and say: Ruth, wear this as a sign of my love. Ruth, place the ring and say: Samuel, wear this as a sign of my love. UNITY CANDLE [Naomi and David step forward with the side candles. Ruth and Samuel light the center candle together.] Two flames. One light. It is the oldest arithmetic in the world, and it has never once been wrong. PRONOUNCEMENT By the promises made before God and this congregation, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Samuel — after four years of standing in the wrong section just to be near her — you may kiss your bride. THE KISS [Step well back. Let the room have it.] PRESENTATION Family and friends, it is my joy — and nobody's surprise — to present to you, for the first time: Ruth and Samuel. Their table is open on Sundays. You know the way. [Cue the recessional.]

WELCOME [Breathe. Look at the mountains, then at the room. Take your time — this one's family.] Five years ago, my little sister carried a woman she had just met down the side of a mountain — and had the nerve to stop, twice, to point out birds. Hello, everyone. I'm Sofia. Elena is my sister, and Priya — as of about eleven o'clock that night, when I got a text containing one photo of a swollen ankle and the words "best day of my life, do not call an ambulance" — Priya is my sister too. Today we just make it official. Please sit, get comfortable, and keep an eye on the sky. They'd want you to. OPENING WORDS They matched on a hiking app, which both of them will tell you is embarrassing, and neither of them will let the other delete. First date: a trail two miles longer than advertised. Two miles in, Priya's ankle gave out. And this is where you learn everything about these two — because Priya laughed, and Elena noticed. Elena noticed the ankle, the laugh, the light. She picked Priya up, carried her down the mountain, and stopped along the way to point out birds. A warbler. A hawk. A third one, whose name is now family legend precisely because Priya wasn't listening anymore. She says she knew, right then, by the third bird. [Turn to the couple.] Priya — you say Elena notices everything. Birds, moods, the exact moment anyone in a room needs a glass of water. You're right. She's been doing it since we were kids. Elena — you say Priya laughs first and panics never. So let me tell the room what you did about it: when Priya's grandmother came to meet you — a woman of few words, none of them English — you spent a month secretly learning to make her chai. Properly. She took one sip, and she nodded once. [Pause.] Some families say "I love you." Some families nod. That nod is framed in their hallway now, in the form of the recipe, handwritten. It hangs next to a jar. About that jar: every day something small and good happens, one of them writes it on a scrap of paper and folds it in. Every New Year's Eve, they read the whole year back to each other. Burnt toast is in there — Elena burns it daily; Priya eats it anyway and calls it "artisanal charcoal." A thousand tiny folded proofs that the life you build is mostly made of Tuesdays. A MOMENT OF QUIET Before the promises, they've asked for a breath of silence — for the loved ones who are far away today, and the ones who are watching from further still. [Ten full seconds. Don't rush it.] DECLARATION OF INTENT Elena — standing on the mountain you two never stopped climbing, do you choose Priya, today and every day after? Elena: I do. Priya — knowing she will absolutely stop to point out birds at your own wedding, do you choose Elena, today and every day after? Priya: I do. VOWS [They've written their own. Nico, stand by with the rings. Cue Priya first — Elena will need the extra minute, and Priya would want to go first anyway.] RING EXCHANGE [Nico brings the rings.] Elena, place the ring on Priya's finger and repeat after me: I choose you — on every trail — marked and unmarked — for the rest of my life. Priya, place the ring on Elena's finger and repeat after me: I choose you — through every season — burnt toast and all — for the rest of my life. PRONOUNCEMENT Elena and Priya — you were carried into each other's lives, one of you literally. By the power vested in me, and in front of the two mothers who walked you here and every person who loves you: I now pronounce you married. Kiss each other. The birds can wait. THE KISS [Back up. Let the mothers see everything.] PRESENTATION Everyone — for the first time as a married couple, still arguing about what that third bird was: Elena and Priya. [Cue music. Follow them out. Write it down for the jar.]